I'm sure we have all had a fixation in our life. Everyone has been completely obsessed with something or someone. Boredom can easily cause anyone to preoccupy oneself with an obsession. A show, a food, porn, excercise, church, a boyfriend/girlfriend, anything really. It isn't healthy, but it becomes easy. Little by little your fixation tears pieces of your life away.. It occupies your mind while you are at work & mistakes are made. It beckons your attention & causes you to shirk your responsibilities. It comes in between relationships and causes loved ones to question your priorities. It eventually leaves you with nothing left. You are there, naked & alone.
That, the naked & alone part, is where I am. I'm lost and confused. It's like I woke up from a deep sleep much much later than I should have. I was in a good place. Doing well in school, reliable at work, growing in my relationship with God, and spending a ton of time with my family. Then I saw him one night; it had been months since we had last talked. I became fixated on defeating my weakness, which was everything he is. All it did was cause me to become someone I wasn't. I repeatedly lied to friends & family and hadn't been to church in weeks. I began drinking on the weekends, dressing more provocatively, and obsessing over his next move. Why? How had I gotten there? What made me slip & fall on my ass? Unsatisfaction. I wasn't happy. I was living my life for everyone else. I hadn't had a date in months, and I was bored with the same routine day in and day out. I wanted "more". Instead doing any number of healthy & Godly ways to switch things up or meet new people, I fell back into something that has always provided a means of entertainment in the past. Yet, it left me planted in the middle of nowhere, asking God to redeem me once again...
I sat in church today and began questioning where I was at before. I realized that I hadn't been saturating my relationship with God. I was going through the motions, but they had lost their meaning. All of the sudden, I was listening to the sermon, and I heard it pouring rain outside. I looked up and around the beautiful building that I had first fallen in love with the Bible in. It brought me to tears. I love the wood panelled ceiling & the vintage look of the building. I used to think "We are a revolutionary church in beautifully old building." Somewhere along the line though, I just let go.
So here I am... Stuck in the desert (literally), and wanting to go anywhere but here. In order to help my recovery, I am going to fixate myself on writing. Being honest & real.
